A Familiar Hell

Quite often, clients come to see me and say something like, “I am tired of feeling this way, but I can’t stop it.” There’s a weariness in that statement—a deep frustration at the sense of being trapped in emotions, thoughts, or patterns that seem uncontrollable.

As we sit together, I provide empathetic responses and a steady, nonjudgmental presence. I offer what Carl Rogers called unconditional positive regard—a safe container in which clients can explore their experience without fear of criticism. In those moments, I often point out a simple yet profound observation: they are stuck in their own personal hell.

Now, “personal hell” might sound dramatic, but it’s accurate. In this space, we know what to expect. We know how it feels. Even if the feelings are painful, there’s a familiarity to them that can feel oddly comforting. Change, even for the better, involves stepping into the unknown—and that can be terrifying.

Many people think they are afraid of change itself, but what they are really afraid of is the uncertainty that comes with it. Leaving the known—even if painful—means navigating uncharted emotional territory. What if it doesn’t get better? What if I fail? What if I lose myself in the process? These questions can keep us trapped in patterns long after we wish to escape them.

The first step is noticing the pattern without judgment, acknowledging the discomfort, and gently exploring what it might be like to step outside of it. Mindfulness and self-compassion become powerful tools here—helping clients tolerate uncertainty while gradually opening up to new possibilities.

Change doesn’t have to be sudden or dramatic. Often, it’s a small, intentional step—leaning into the unknown just enough to discover that a different way of being is possible. And sometimes, just naming the personal hell we’re in is the first act of courage toward leaving it behind.